"It Could of Been Me"

This has been a hellafied week for me. I turned 21 last saturday, I've been on Jury Duty for the last 3weeks on a criminal case. (which has been on the news alot lately). I broke up with my bf thursday (*sigh*)Well here it goes....

Tuesday morning like I always do in jury duty while waiting in the jury lounge. I get a voicemail from a woman from the health office in newark stating that I need to give her a call as soon as possible. She has very confidential information that she needs to talk to me about. By now I'm puzzled as to what she has to tell me thats so urgent. She left a phone number to be reached at. I proceeded to call back an a woman answered the phone. I told her someone called from your office an said it was urgent that she speak to me. She asked do I know her name. I said i think Ms Alverez. She sent me to the ladys voicemail. I left my other numbers that i could be reached on.

A day has went by. I still havent heard from this lady from the day before. Finally thursday morning in jury duty again she calls. I answer she askes am I so an so. I reply yes she says she has to meet with me as soon as possible to discuss a matter involving myself. I was saying to myself is this real. How did this lady get my telephone number? How does she know my name etc... She said she couldn't discuss the matter over the phone and that we had to meet in person to make sure I was indeed so and so(me). I told her my home address an that we could meet there on my lunch break. She said okay ill be there by 12- 1230 I confirmed an that was that.
Now I'm sitting here thinkn oh my god whats wrong with me? I don't feel sick, I feel fine, What could it be? I was depressed the rest of the day. I texted my friends gave them bits an pieces of what had just had happen. One friend kinda put 2 an 2 together an was tryna get it outa me but. I refained from stating the details. I just told him Ill tell him later when I find out more info. I tried to maintain a normal day but just couldn't my mouth kept going dry just think of all the wrong things I shouldnt of been thinking of. I tried to think positive but nah.

Today, was the day I dreaded. I have never been more scared in my life except when It was time for me to get an ass whoopn on report card day. I just kept on thinkn the worst. I was anticipating 12 to come around so i could go meet this lady an she could tell me what the hell the big secret was. I left my job at 11;50 to take an early lunch. She called at 12 on the dot saying she was at my house. I got there she was sitting in her car. I got in. She told me the reason I needed to speak with you right away was because basically some one that you have came in contact with referred us to you that tested positive for HIV. My heart dropped, I got a big headache. I got so angry at myself. I kept thinking about what I did last Saturday on my birthday and if I put that person at risk and If I did, I would never be abled to live with myself. All I could do was ask myself who the fuck would do this to me. Who??? She couldnt tell me who? What? Why? When? Where?. I don't have unprotected sex. I have had my slip ups on the whole oral thing yeah. but very very rarely have I not used a condom. I try to pick an choose who i sleep with very carefully. I guess I haven't been doing a good enough job. Because I wouldnt be sitting in this lady car. She askes me personal questions an its one question I usually lie about Which is do you mess with M or F or both. I couldnt lie. I told her both. She asked did I use protection I explained Ive had my slip up once or twice. She stressed to me the risk im taking by not using a condom.

We talked she calmed me down. I told her about my school plans. I told her about me having kids etc. I explained to her that I dont know why I mess with you know... and she told me male on male contact puts you more at risk because its direct. She had me swab my mouth and we talked so more. Had to wait 20 mins to determine my fate. My heart was pounding, I kept putting ny hand in my head. Praying to god for forgiveness an repenting for my sins. After the 20 mins was up. She tell me that im negative. I am so relieved at this moment. To think some shit like this could happen to me. I never would imagine Id be in this kind of predicament. I told her an myself Im leaving the lifestyle alone. I feel that I can't trust anyone now. People need to know there status. I was tested in March 07. I tested negative. I know i could be just as much at risk with a female. Im sitting here right now blogging. Im about to compile a list of people that I actually had sexual relations with. Most of which I was in relationships with. Ima take this an learn form it\. Wrap it up. I value my life to much. I have to much to do and to see. I will not fall victim to the HIV/AIDS epidemic.

"KNOW YOUR STATUS. KNOW YOURSELF"