"When It all Falls Down"

I been feeling some kind of way lately. I stated in a previous post that my mom has a mental disorder and over the years its taken a toll on me and my brothers and sisters. Me being the oldest I've seen it way before they have. Due to her condition its made me kinda isolate myself from her. When I was younger I remember she just had (she meaing my mother)just made a big pot of spaghetti, I had to be no more then 8yrs old. I help set the table and when it came time for everybody to eat she slaped all of our forks out our hands and continued to repeat these words that will haunt me forever. "Don't eat that?" I'm like "Why Ma?", She was like "Don't eat it, It has worms in it." Me being the funny man I am, I laughed and say mom stop playing you just made this and it doesn't have worms in it. She looked at us and went around the table throwing all of our plates in the garbage and then went into the kitchen and proceeded to empty the rest into the garbage. I then realize something was wrong. I'm saying to myself why is she acting like this? I'm confused. Well that was only the beginning over the course of the years shes been through alot, from being abused by her no good ass boyfriends, in and out of the hospital from being depressed which triggers her mental state of mind and causes her to breakdown. The medication seemed to be working but its like the more she took it the more I felt like I was losing the mother I loved so mcuh. She wasn't the same anymore especialy after my sister died at the age of 2 in 1996. I'll save that for a later post. Thats a lil too emotional for me to go into.

My mom is a very smart woman she just makes alot of bad decisions and it hurts me to see the man that i've become and look down upon the woman that gave me life. It saddens me that she deceided to have 3 more kids with a convict/born again drug addict. I just don't understand why she made the choices that she did, like give me to my father when I turned 13 because she didnt feel fit to care for me as my mother, but as I got older I realized I was fortunate to have a father to show me tough love and instill values in me. I might can't stand him but I tolerate him because I know he means well. He always told me I wasn't given a book on how to be a father. Whatever the fuck that means, I don't recall kicking your child up the stairs because he got a bad progress report and his teacher calls and you repeatedly yell get up the stairs and constantly kick him down, but he wasn't given a book on how to be a father so I guess I have to forgive him oneday right. (*me smirking*).

Back to my mom ,okay the last year around this time she got sick which was actually the week of my grandafthers funeral she broke down and I rush over to her house to find her swimming in the fuckn back yard in the motherfuckn dirt. I just look in disgust. I get her to come inside the paramedic come and off to the hopsital we go. Shes in there for 2weeks then comes home and I tell her what happen cause she has no memory when she has her episodes so we laugh and bullshit. Just this month on my way to see the ruins with my cousin, I get a call from my dad telling me to pull over so he can tell me something, the first thing that cam etomy mind was oh god I think he knows or heard something. I panic and I ask him whats wrong, but that wasn't the case. Come tofind outmy crazy ass mother is back in the hospital and she left a voicemail saying she at a pyschicatric hospital in brookyln,ny. Im saying to myself what the hell she doing brooklyn. He goes on to tell me the contents of the voicemail. I get so upset I just tell him I call him back later. I finish my movie and the next day check the message and it says.

" Hello """", I don't know were my kids are...." They father kidnapped them and I haven't seen them in 2 weeks, I caught a bus to Atlantic City with some dude, but he started acting crazy and talking about murderinig people, so I broke loose from him, but then realized he had my money so now I'm broke and I slept in a bus station for 3 days and had to was up in the bus station bathroom and I realized I didnt take my medication in a few days and everytime I go outside my mind get all crowded an I feel like I'm going crazy and I managed to get together some money to catch a bus to Brooklyn and I don't know where my kids at." After hearing that I immediately called my aunts on 3 way. Come to find out all she said in the voicemail was true and she gave the kids to there father in her fucked up state of mind. She fought my sister (backstory)My sister walks in the house to only find my mother butt ass naked on the couch telling her to get out you shouldn't be here, I'm having an adult party, my sister looks around and tells her mom theres nobody here what are you talking about? They fight she kicks my sister and her baby out. I'm like what the fuck is going on. I'm like dam its bad enough I'm kinda single, I'm a bisexual black man on the dl, I have a crazy mother, and I don't have anyway of reaching my lil brothers and sisters because there way down in Maryland. Life is a bitch and the cards I'm dealt make up a shitty ass hand. The world I know is crumbling.

What happens "WHEN IT ALL FALLS DOWN" will I bounce back or will I end up just like my mother in a fucked up state of mind. I can't save the world and Noah didn't build the arc in one day. Things that happen in my life are beyond my control.

J.U.M.P - JESUS UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN.